The Persistence of Genius: With a Few Exceptions
by ScotlandNeedsWerewolves
Summary: Ever wonder if your favorite characters from Death Note have weird dreams just like yours? Then this is the collection of one-shot humor fics just for you! :D


Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. Or any other random trademarks that may appear in this fic.

The Persistence of Genius…With a Few Exceptions

Episode One

The Day the Chocolate Talked Back

Mello

It was the middle of the day when Mello decided to relax in his favorite spot in his favorite room to enjoy a few nice bars of chocolate. He hadn't had a nice break like this in a few hours, and he was going into withdrawal. No. He wasn't completely addicted…he could stop any time he wanted to. Yeah. He was completely in control of the chocolate situation. Who cared if he absolutely had to eat chocolate at any time of the day? It was completely his choice right from the beginning.

The young blond man stopped and examined his thoughts. Why was he suddenly bothered by his strong love of chocolate?

He shrugged and unpeeled the first of the chocolate bars.

"What's going on?" asked an unfamiliar voice. "Huh? Where am I?"

Mello looked around frantically. Who was that? He didn't remember hearing anyone come in. It didn't sound like Matt, and the TV wasn't on… Unconsciously, he raised the chocolate bar to his mouth while pondering this strange situation.

"Huh? Him?! Why him?! What did I do to deserve to be eaten by him?!"

His hand stopped as did the rest of his body, his mouth hanging open, ready for the candy. Was it…the chocolate that had just said that?

"Please don't eat me, please don't eat me, please don't eat me…" the voice said in a small, whimpering voice.

Blinking, he pulled the chocolate back and looked around the room, seeing if anyone was there. Nah, just a giraffe. Giraffes didn't talk.

"Say something again," he finally said, staring at the chocolate bar in his hand.

"Huh? Oh, my God, you can hear me?! What kind of freak are you?!"

Giving his candy bar a flat look, he lifted it to his mouth again.

"No, no, I'm sorry!!"

There was no way his chocolate bar could be talking to him. It was all in his head. He took a bite of the chocolate, which caused it to scream. But not the falling-off-a-cliff kind of scream, it was an oh-my-God-you-just-bit-off-my-head kind of scream. Acting on reflex, Mello threw the chocolate bar across the room. It lay there, making pathetic whimpering noises. He got out of his chair and ran out of the room. But before he left, he checked to see if the giraffe was still there. It wasn't. Damn, now he had to find the giraffe. He knew the large beast had put a curse on his chocolate to break his not-addiction.

"Matt!!" Mello called as he stormed through his living quarters. "Matt! Where the hell are you?!" He walked up to a random room, flinging open the door. No Matt. No giraffe. Just a giant strawberry. L really needed to stop leaving his things at Mello's house when he came to visit.

He continued calling for his partner, looking through other rooms, finding other random things. Finally, he threw the last door in the house open, finding a spacious bathroom, finely decorated with the best quality toilet, shower, and vanity. In the middle of the room, he found Matt playing checkers with the giraffe. "Matt! Get away from that giraffe, he put a curse on my chocolate!"

"No, he didn't, he's teaching me how to cheat better at checkers," Matt responded as if it were the most obvious thing in the providence.

"Yeah?! Well, he's probably playing fair, and keeping all the cheating tips to himself!"

Matt gasped audibly and stood up, gaping at the giraffe. "How dare you insult my mother that I don't remember because I'm an orphan?! I bet you raised a hyena!"

"No, Matt. Hyenas are good, honest people."

"You're right." With that, the redhead turned on his heel and stormed out of the room and joined Mello out in the hall. Closing the door, he crossed his arms and asked, "So, what kind of curse did he put on your chocolate?"

"My chocolate was talking to me!"

Matt laughed like a good, honest hyena. "Your chocolate was talking to you? That's the stupidest curse I've ever heard of!"

"No, it's not! The chocolate was talking to me, and when I bit it, it started screaming in agony!"

"Well, with the way you kind of dismember chocolate when you eat it, I'm not surprised it was in agony."

"And then it started crying like it was in a horror movie when I through it across the room!"

"Pffft. That wasn't even the right form of the word 'threw', Mello."

Now clenching his fists in frustration and glaring at Matt with anger, Mello said, "Why do I even hang out with you if you don't listen to me?!"

Matt's mouth curled like a creepy anime villain. "Because you love me…"

"Shut up, Matt, this isn't a yaoi fic!"

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you just turned into a girl."

Matt made an ugly girl.

"You never know, maybe I was born that way. How rude."

"Dude, you need to take more estrogen, your voice is still the same."

"Women with low voices are strong and beautiful, Mello."

Mello rolled his eyes and walked into the room that he had found that was set up like a psychiatrist's office. He sat on the sofa/lounge thing and scowled at the doctor, crossing his arms. "Fix it."

The doctor tapped his random clipboard and said, "Fix what?"

"Everything! That's what I'm paying you for!"

"Well, if you want me to fix something, you have to explain it. That's how it works."

"Fine."

Mello gathered what coherent thoughts he could and explained his problem.

"So…what you're telling me…is that all of these problems started when some kid pissed you off when you were little…and your bad mood just never went away."

"Yup. And I started taking solace in chocolate. The chocolate would make me feel better, but it also left my emotions more vulnerable, and my temper got worse and worse."

"So, you got hooked on an aphrodisiac."

Mello blinked. He had never thought of it that way.

"I think…you need…how should I put this… Female attention," the nameless doctor with the face that looked like a pizza concluded.

"I need what? Matt already turned into a girl."

"No…what I mean is…socialization of a certain kind…with a female."

"You mean…talking to a girl? But I talk to girls all the time."

"No, I mean in a more…delicate way…"

"Why would a girl want to talk to me about girl talk? That's just stupid. Wait…are you calling me effeminate?"

"No, that's not what I'm inferring."

"Well, you need to tell me what you're trying to say, because this is getting really irritating."

The doctor's face turned into a pineapple as he thought of how to phrase his thoughts. "You need more social…activity with females."

"You already said that. Just come out with it!"

"You need to get laid."

"What the hell?!" Mello shouted, sitting up in bed. Bed. He had been asleep. He had never given the giraffe what he had coming before he woke up. He shook his head. The giraffe wasn't real. The pizza-pineapple doctor wasn't real. He got out of bed and walked into the living room to find Matt asleep on the couch, holding his videogame. And he was still male. He could tell because his friend was no longer ugly.

"Matt, wake up," he said, kicking his friend in the side to wake him up.

The redheaded gamer jumped and almost dropped his device and groggily opened his eyes. "Morning, sunshine. What kind of bug crawled into your cereal?"

"You fell asleep playing your game again."

"Still not as bad as when you wake up with half-melted chocolate hanging out of your mouth."

Mello blinked in surprise. The chocolate! He rushed into the kitchen and rifled through the pantry…using the right form of the word "through" this time, and found his beloved chocolate. He shook it, and held it to his ear. Nothing. He peeled it and took a big bite out of it. No screaming. Good.

"Mello," Matt said as he walked up with a slight tone of concern in his voice.

"What?"

"Seriously, what's the matter? You're acting more neurotic than usual."

"The last time I explained it to you, you accused me of a typo!"

"I see…"

"And then you turned into a girl!"

"…Was I a good-looking girl at least?"

"No. And don't go dressing in drag just to find out!"

"Yes…because that's the most logical thing to do in a situation like this."

"Would you stop giving me your sarcastic crap?!"

"Mello…you really need to stop putting that chocolate syrup on your chicken before going to bed…although, that's probably the only way you'd get any protein…"

"Why do I put up with you…?"

"Because I feed your habit."

"It's not an addiction! And I'm the one who pays for it anyway."

"Yeah, but I'm the one who goes out and buys it for you when you're having an attack."

"I can stop any time I want!"

"You know, caffeine is an addictive drug…"

"You're the one with the addiction, you chain-smoker!"

"Hey, I can stop any time I want, too. I just don't want to stop right now."

"Oh, just shut up and go buy me some more chocolate."

"Wow…"

"What?"

"This whole page was nothing but dialogue…" Matt noted as he took the money that Mello handed him for his chocolate fix. He shrugged and headed for the door.

"Oh, and by the way, Matt…"

"Huh?"

"If you see any giraffes, shoot them."

"What?"


End file.
